sunnuntai 11. tammikuuta 2015

This should be for all of you.


So it's Sunday. I slept so well last night and I woke up with enough energy to last a lifetime. (I don't feel it anymore though...) Anyway I had yogurt, oatmeal and strawberry sauce for breakfast, watched a few episodes of The Voice (USA), dreamed of being a singer and performer. Stopped dreaming. Lagged. After lagging I had dinner with my family and my sister's friend and it was great, because we had lasagna. And my mom makes the best lasagna on earth. After my stomach was perfectly full I started studying. I read for my theory test and studied for some more. Had a break to read Brian Houston's book, "For This I Was Born". (Love it by the way!) And studied again. Then I talked on the phone with my friend Leo and it gave me a good boost for the starting week. I feel quite determined now and I hope it lasts long.

I've never been the best at school, never brought the best grades home. Always compared myself to my two sisters that always seemed to be succeeding at basically everything I was not. I struggled in Elementary school because of language issues, which led to struggling in Middle school as well. Math, Physics, Chemistry, Biology, Geography..etc. have never been easy for me. English, religion, P.E, art, health..etc. have always been good to me. They still keep me thinking I'm not the dumbest person on earth and I don't have to be the best at everything. But when you grow up with people succeeding around you in the subjects you don't and do succeed in, you start thinking there's something wrong with you. You study so much it isn't good for you anymore and you still get just o.k grades..and sometimes even less than that. You start stressing even more when you realize you'll struggle trying to keep up with the people around you. You don't want to be the only dumb person in your circle of people. You don't want to be judged by the grades you get, because you do truly study the best way you can.
Anyway I have a lot of experience with feeling dumb and unsuccessful and stressed. I have too much experience of feeling disappointed with myself and my life. I've hated myself, I've cried myself to sleep over it. I've tried to prove myself to others in different ways. I've hidden my anxiety and stress from my friends and tried to be cool, just like them. I've been at a point where I haven't even wanted to study and I've failed and had to re-take exams and doubled the amount of stress I've had. I've been at the rock bottom when it comes to school and the pressure it provides. I've had many conversations with my parents about me, my education and God's plan for me. My dad said very wisely that God might take away more from something (in this case, school.) and give more in another thing (social talents, faith.) And even after all of that I've still wanted to prove myself to my parents. And the people around me. I want to bring the best grades home, just like my sisters. I want to feel like my studying paid off. I want to bring home a gold medal. (My sisters brought home gold and silver medals from the Elementary school Olympics every year. And my parents would ask me if I got something and I'd always smile and say no, not this time. And then run into my room and cry. At school when I saw my two sisters going up in front of everybody to receive their medals, I clapped with everyone else and smiled and felt truly happy for them and then went to cry in the bathroom.) I know I sound really sad now and you might feel really depressed while reading this, but I'm getting to my point in a few minutes.
So as you can see I'm not perfect. I'm not like my sisters, or like anyone else around me. I'm different. So what! I think we're all different, even though sometimes it might seem like everyone else around you is alike and they're super cool like that. But I think some people (like me) are really good at hiding their differences. We shouldn't, but we still do.
These past few years I've been going through a big transformation in myself and in the way I think. The way I think about myself and the way I think about others. I don't cry myself to sleep every night and I don't cry every time I get a bad grade. I've pursued a stronger relationship with God, which has made me a stronger person, especially in my faith. Yes, I still experience a lot of disappointment when it comes to school, but I've gotten this far. Even though it's a big struggle at times. I have my final exams coming up in March and I am so determined to get through that final straw. And when I do, I will be one of the happiest people on earth. I will feel the largest amount of relief there is on this planet and I will dance with joy. I know for sure that the struggle I've been going through for years will pay off. In a way it kind of already has. I am way more confident and stronger. I take failures and disappointment in a much lighter way then I used to, which is a big positive plus for my social "talent"/behavior/..whatever you want to call it. Because I'm able to help others when they go through hard struggles like this. Or worse. I know God is preparing me for something bigger than myself. I know He has a plan for my life. Just like he has a plan for you as well. I'm only 18. Twenty years from now I'll just smile at the time I was in school. I'll see all the great things that came out of all of it and I'll be forever thankful for God letting me go through with all of it. Fifty years from now I've most likely experienced amazing things on this life- long adventure with God. I already have, so I can't wait to go through more amazing things. God is making me very curious. He has definitely carried me when I haven't been able to carry myself. And now He's walking with me. He's holding my hand. I fall, He lifts me up again. I trip, He catches me, I make the wrong decision, He guides me back to where I'm supposed to be. I'm so not alone. And neither are you. Isn't that just awesome!? It makes me feel so comfortable and so loved and so blessed and so cared for and so accepted and so so SO everything!!<3 hahaa, I can't stop smiling.
When you feel lost, disappointed, stupid, dumb, alone, masked, ugly, angry, terrified, anxious...and whatever- Come to God. "Come to me my children," -He would most definitely say. "I love you", "I made you.", "I have a plan for you", "I have a surprise for you", "I died for you." It's been made very clear in the word of God what our Heavenly father thinks about us. Very clear. And the biggest proof of His love for us is Him sending down His son, Jesus to live on this earth with all of His creation. To love them and show them His kingdom, to make friends, to hang out with sinners, to teach, to guide, to give examples...Jesus did so many things. Anyway God sent down his one and ONLY son to suffer and die on the cross to tell you He was passionate about YOU. To show how much He loves each and every one of us. He loves you. And that is clear. Nothing else should come in the way of you being a part of this love. Of you accepting this love in to your life. Not school, not your hobby, not your phone, not your car, not your money...nothing should come in the way of this love. I was at a point where all of my issues with school came between me and God. I was miserable. I was broken. I felt alone. But as I mentioned earlier, these past few years I've made the best decisions of my life, choosing God, living for Him, thanking Him and worshiping Him, going through different struggles WITH Him and being comforted by Him through disappointments. I just try my best to have Him with me in every part of my life. I want to be an example to others out there who are struggling with different kind of things and with being different/ feeling different. It's perfectly okay to be different. 
I think I'm getting a little overwhelmed with all of this. When I get excited I get lost and lose the point for all of this. But I think there are a lot of good points and good encouragements in this for all of you. I'm sorry if I seem unclear about some things, but I hope this post will give you determination to do things with God. To search for a time in each day to spend time with Him. I'm going to start off every day with God. Because I feel, when I start off each day with Him, nothing is impossible. Like the famous worship song says; "Through You I can do anything, I can do all things, 'cause it's You who gives me strength, nothing is impossible!". I'm very bad at closing my texts with a quote or a deep sentence that will stick to your mind for the rest of your days...So I really wish each and every one of you an amazing week, an unforgettable spring and a life changing year! God bless you! Good luck with your studies and everything you do! 

p.s. I'm better in school now. Math is a struggle, but everything else...oh yes<3 I've conquered a lot of struggles. Oh aaaand I didn't even struggle with math during my last lecture, so I see good signs. But I'd appreciate it if you'd keep me in your prayers. 

After my final exams I'll be going to the Netherlands again and after that to Riga with my dad, so I'd say that's surely a prize to wait for and it will push me to study even harder. It took me so long to write this and I already second guessed myself like four times because I was unsure about sharing all of this with you. but I do believe God still uses my blog to reach out to people. He's done it before and He can do it again!

Good night! Sleep tight! x

- Kat

Ei kommentteja:

Lähetä kommentti