tiistai 5. tammikuuta 2016

A day before my birthday.

It's a day before my birthday. Tomorrow my teen- years continue as I hit nineteen and today I'm looking back at the past year as an eighteen year- old. It's been quite a ride....

This past year I've been old enough to do things I've never been allowed to do before, like get my license to drive, walk into a club and drink alcohol..(Can't think of anything else really). The first few months I went to dance at different clubs quite often, didn't drink anything but water, because I really really just went there to dance with my friends. But it all came to a point when I realized that they always played the same songs every time, and either the youth around me tried to be anything but themselves with the help of alcohol or they just didn't have anything else to do on a Friday- evening and that this was the place everyone was going to, so they couldn't possibly miss out on it or they would be left out. Left out of what? The fresh gossip at school on Monday morning? I went through that. I had no idea what was going on, but it started to feel like it was the only thing anyone was ever talking about. What happened during the weekend either at a club or a house party or whatever. As in major gossip and drama conversations. I didn't feel left out when I didn't know what was going on. I just felt sad, that people really didn't have anything else to talk about- except other people. This year I have actually realized that the most favorite subject people have to talk about, is other people. And I really do understand the people that might have the pressure of feeling left out. I just really didn't want to have any part in it. At times I was curious and I did gossip with people, but I'm not perfect, I just know for myself the difference between right and wrong and I have a very strong conscience, so when I do something I know isn't right it affects me in a really strong way and I want to fix things with God as quickly as possible, because Jesus died for all of my sins. Even the smallest ones.
Anyway let's go back to the club. Eventually I just became bored of it all. The music, the same act people had on, the same sexual dancing around me, the men. Now let's take a minute to talk about the men and how I felt like a peace of meat in their eyes. I haven't told a lot of people about these uncomfortable situations I've had while at a club, but here's a few:
I' ve had a man aggressively grab my arm and pull me next to him on the dance floor, I've had a man come up to me and grab my breast. I've had a man come up to me and try to kiss me, a man squeeze my ass, a man trying to force me to dance for him to the extent of him pulling me towards him while I'm trying my best to get away and sit down to make my statement. And these are just a few examples. It breaks my heart to see this. It breaks my heart to see women that allow themselves to be treated that way. It breaks my heart to see men think it's okay to behave like that. It breaks my heart that there are just a few guys that are actually able to stand up for girls, when they can't stand up for themselves. I'm not saying all men are like this and I'm not saying this happened every single time I was at the club, because as I said in the beginning (I went clubbing quite a few times after turning eighteen). My parents would most likely have a heart- attack if they read this and they even might be reading this, but I have to say that it's been a very eye opening experience and it has just turned me into a stronger woman and someone who wants to talk to women about their true worth and who wants to encourage men to be men instead of boys.
I'm not saying I won't go to a club once in a while, because I really did have fun with my friends outside of these different uncomfortable situations and maybe just maybe they're already playing new music there since it's been like 6 months since my last visit hahahah. I'm saying I know what will be waiting for me when I go there and I don't have to go there to fit in, I can go there to let out my dance moves and actually have a place to dance for hours and hours without really having to pay much of anything. 
I don't understand why I wrote so much about this subject, but it just makes me realize this really was an eye- opener for me and an experience from which I feel God taught me a lot of things.

Let's go back to the path I had originally planned for this post. 

I'm not really interested in drinking alcohol, so it really hasn't been a "woaaah"- factor for me. Getting my drivers license on the other hand was a major woaaaaaaaaaaah factor for me. It took a few tries due to my struggles in learning, but I made it and now I've happily been driving around Jyväskylä, but also around Finland and I still really enjoy it. Although after getting my license I've really learned how dangerous it really is to drive and be a major part of traffic. Not only can I be a danger out on the road but really, you can trust no one on the road. There are crazy people out there. Drunk drivers, but other- just really crazy people that think they're the spidermen and spiderwomen of the road. So the driver that thinks "safe" is the best driver. And of course it does help to have God with you in the traffic, because as that one song says...."Someone's watching over me....."

That's about all of the k18 stuff I was "finally" able to do. I really don't have anything else to say about these things, so let's go back to the other things that happened in my life this past year.

I went to the Netherlands in April and to Riga in May and I went to Germany for two weeks at the end of the summer. All these trips made me love travelling even more! And of course you probably remember why I was in Germany for two weeks! Teeeeeeenstreeeeeeeet!! The best two weeks yet again! I really don't know what to say. It was amazing and the goodbyes get harder every year. And this year it was soooooo much fun to travel with my Finnish friends and we still have no idea how we made it from the airport in Frankfurt to the campsite in Offenburg. hahahah. We're a crazy bunch. Mä niin tykkään teistä kamut! <3 Best memories. Oh and God really worked it at Teenstreet!! As He always does. I learned so much, but this time I'm keeping it to myself. Letting the seed grow into something bigger. Check out this video if you're interested in coming to Teenstreet this summer! Click HERE. And for all my Finnish people, click HERE as well. (If you've been reading my blog for years now, you probably know that when I say this is THE BEST camp/conference experience I've ever had, I really really mean it!!.)

There were many other awesome experiences and adventures during the summer and I think, if I remember correctly I shared about those with more detail in an earlier post. So I won't now.

Then the summer ended, KABOOM. Reality strikes. It was time for me to find a job. (Oh and p.s. I also graduated in May! Yey! Still happy to be out of High School. It was rough on me.)
I sent applications to different jobs. Mainly cleaning jobs, because it's really quite impossible to find any other job in Jyväskylä right now. And I got a job! In....cleaning! What a surprise! Walah. So now I clean at a bank and have a really nice boss and co-worker. I even got my sister a job as a substitute cleaner. And "as we speak" she's substituting for me as I'm on a nice holiday right now...hehe.

So I've been working as a cleaner ever since. It's okay, not just my dream come true. But the money is and because of that I've been able to save up for a new camera, and I bought it! Now I'm just waiting for my SD- card adapter to arrive in the mail and then I'm off! To capture all things beautiful. Including maybe even you? ;)

But let's get deeper again. This past year and it's downs. I've had people close to me and not so close to me hurt me. Not physically, but you probably know what kind of hurt I mean. It has showed me how I don't want people to treat me and so now I definitely know how I should be treated and I've actually had the nerves to even stand up for myself in some situations. I know what my boundaries are and that, I've realized is very important. I see people around me not even thinking about what boundaries they might have and allowing themselves to be treated in any way, just to get attention and affection. Both boys and girls. I see people not even interested in learning about the differences between different men and women and how each individuals want to be treated and what kinds of boundaries each man and woman has. I think it's a very important subject to talk about in churches and even at school! If I could I'd like to have my voice heard in this matter. And I'm just waiting for an opportunity. Even though I'm not dating and never have, it doesn't mean I don't know what my boundaries are and how I think I should be treated? No waaaay. I have so many bad experiences, that you really could say I have a lot of experience with different ways a woman can be treated. (It's hard for me to speak for men and boys, since I simply am not one of them haha. I wish there were more men out there that would speak about the men's perspective in these matters.)
Overall I just wish the churches and schools would wake up and start talking about these VERY important subjects. I want more advice and guidance and I have so many people around me that really need it too. And some of them don't even realize it. I have couples around me that want advice for the relationship between two Christians and it's so cool to see they want that and don't think they know it all. I want advice due to the future relationship I'll once be in. I want to make smart decisions and I also want to understand men better, since not that many men are open about men's personal thoughts. I want to respect men, but to be able to do that in the best way possible I need to understand them. I want to encourage men without them having to feel like I think they're weak in some way. I want to have deep conversations with men and women and not always feel like I'm the one who's "planting the seeds", I want to feel like a woman around men, but most times I don't, simply because I feel stronger than they are. And maybe I am, or maybe it's just the fact that men are keeping all their excitement and knowledge about spiritual matters to themselves and it doesn't reflect outside, so it looks like they're withered, even if they're not. I simply have no idea. But this is how I feel.

I'm waiting for the day when I see more men rise up and take their place. I'm waiting for churches with an equal amount of men and women. I'm waiting for the day that men start pursuing women, so that women don't have to think it's their job to get the mens' attention in different ways. I'm waiting for the day that men are able to compliment women face to face instead of on the internet only as it reflects sometimes as flirting or as creepy. (Depending on the choice of words...hahah and emojis) And also the other way around. I want to start complimenting people face to face. I'm not trying to point fingers at anyone. But I do think there's a reason right now why there are more women than men in churches these days. I just want to know why and do something about it. I want to support men, not push them down. I don't want to pressure men, I want to encourage them. I don't want men to feel like they have to be super wise in faith or something, because the main thing FOR ME is to see the love of God in men. To see Men of God rise. To see the passion in their eyes. To see them show they're true feelings, to see men encourage each other. To see men really talk about their issues with each other. On the otherhand I really don't know what I want. And how it should be. But I know this is the year men of God will rise. I've been talking about this subject with different people, men and women throughout this past year and lately it's been an even hotter topic and last Sunday at church one of the elders spoke up about this subject in front of the whole congregation and showed his true emotions as well and that, if something was encouraging to hear as my friend told me about it yesterday! I wish I would've been there to see it and my friend told me as well that there should've been more young men there listening and seeing the example this elder was giving. I'm quite excited to see what God will do in men this year. And I really want to be the best woman I can be. For myself mostly, but also for the men around me. I want to respect them with how I dress and with what kinds of pictures I take and how I speak of them etc.

I don't want any men feeling pressured while reading this. I really don't. And I have some Christian men (quite a small amount though) around me that have taken their place. And that I am super excited about! And I'm happy to know I'm not alone with these thoughts and that other women and men share these as well.

I want to encourage men to take their time to grow and get to know God. Don't hurry with it. You can't hurry a relationship. Because as you take time with God, it reflects in a good way. 

I'm really finding it hard to close up, because I have a lot to say still, but I've been writing for two hours already and at this rate I'll be here for a year...I hope no one misunderstood me and sees my intensions are good. My choice of words might not always be so great, but I sometimes struggle with that and turning my thoughts into clear sentences. Sorry!

Anywaaaay so I've learned so many new things this year. Especially of myself. More than ever before. It's interesting how God can basically teach you something from every situation you're in. And he can teach you a lot from just seeing other people go through different situations and issues. This year there have been people around me who have done things that I've seen and learned from and then decided I would never do. It really is interesting how much you can learn. We just keep learning throughout life. So I can also thank my friends for making wrong decisions sometimes, because I've learned from they're mistakes and probably vice versa. It's harder in the moment though. Like really hard.

I'm still having a hard time with some things, and I can't really do anything about these, but I trust in God and I know that right now I just need to focus on the work God wants to do inside of me, before I can do a lot more outside of me. So I want this year to be a year of major inner growth for me. And inner healing as well. Probably everyone wants that, but I'm just saying it out loud.

I want to be the woman God created me to be. Step by step. Stumbling and getting back up. Such a rollercoaster, yet such a staircase as well. Where's the elevator?

I also know what kinds of friends I want to keep around me. Now that I know and have realized how I deserve to be treated. And I hate drama and I hate to feel hurt. I don't need that in my life anymore. I've had enough of it, so I'd at least enjoy a break. I know I need a lot more time of spending time alone with God as well. Besides my regular alone time with God while studying His word every day. I want to be alone with my thoughts a little more and go through them with God. So I'll be having more no phone, no friends, no activities- type of days. One of my new years resolutions. I really hope I'll stick to it. I need to stick to it, because really,- at the moment my heart and mind are bursting with soooo many things that are going on in my life. Inside of me and around me. And God is the only friend I can talk to about everything without having some things come out as gossip or whatever. (having a hard time dressing my thoughts into words here guys).

It's been a while since I've written, so that's another reason why this post might seem messy, because there are so many things swimming around in my head I'd really just want to get them all out, but that's impossible, because it's natural not to be able to pin point every single thought and turn it into words.

But besides a few things going on, I am feeling really happy right now. I'm happy to be on holiday for a change, I'm happy to be a part of Loppiaistapaus that starts today! (Another christian event) and I can't wait for the epic dance party we'll be having there this evening! (Just write Loppiaistapaus into Google and you'll find out more about it!) I'm happy to have friends around me that I care about, and I feel care about me as well (although some have a hard time with that at times). I'm happy that there's finally snow outside and everything is frosty! It's a bit too cold right now, but I'll make it. I live in Finland. New Years was awesome!!!! Besides the fact that my friend's phone was stolen....:(
God is alive in this country!!!!!!!! I wish you could hear me say that out loud and see how much fireeeeeee I have inside of me. I'm so excited about this upcoming year! Can't wait to see what's in store for me!. I have a lot of wishes and dreams and prayers for this year and I can't wait to look back a year from now and see how many of them came true and were answered. Because God will do amazing things. No doubt about it. Have a little faith.

Hahahah I'm so bad at closing up. Seriously, so bad. But maybe you enjoyed hearing from me and enjoyed some of the things I had to say. I know I had a lot of opinions I shared and I hope I didn't offend anyone. All I want to do is speak love and act on it.

Have an amazing year of 2016!!! And don't forget to celebrate my birthday tomorrow :D

-Adios!, Love Kat.

p.s. Our God really does love you.